Conjunctive Zoonotic Diseases

“Can I have something for conjunctivitis please, I’ve caught it from the cat.”

That’s a line I never imagined I’d hear myself speaking, in the pharmacy or anywhere else. But why not? Our world and attitudes have changed because of a virus* that purportedly made the jump from bats.

Annoyed looking black cat under a furry blanket. She looks as if she has been disturbed, has conjunctivitis and has white whiskers.

It got me thinking. The 18th century Plague came through rats. Malaria comes through gnats (kinda). If the New World Order (or Illuminati or other ‘secret’ cabal of your choice) used the suffix ‘at’ to mean ‘can bear infections that transfer to humans’, what might the symptoms be?

Here are my suggestions:

Source Symptoms Zoonosis
cat An ever-increasing inclination to sleep. Untreated results in catalepsy catalopenia
rat Daily impulses to move faster and faster. Untreated results in skewed view of the world, global warming and many of the problems of the modern world ratcelaration
bat Degradation of sight. Untreated leads to peculiar behaviour obscubation
bobcat Muscle impulses causing sudden up-and-down movements. In severe cases hair breaks at shoulder level. pelomalolia
gnat Reduces the ability to concentrate. gninnification
goat Irrepressible impulses to annoy as many others as possible. eegetmigoatzis
meerkat Creation of increasing feeling of insignificance. Untreated results in constant self denigration. simplezosia
muskrat Production of unappealing and repulsive body odours. Untreated results in loss of friendship group, and eventual ostracism. moschusia
numbat Slow reduction of feeling in extremities. Untreated results in total loss of sensation. numbing (innit)
polecat Group symptoms similar to analysis paralysis, but for democracies. icannae
stoat Compulsion to burn food, especially bread. stoater
wombat Inability to restrain impulses to hit balls with pieces of wood. cricketosia
woodchat Hardening of primary sexual characteristics. Untreated results in tongue-twisting terror. woodchuckia
yellowthroat Jaundice. Untreated results in constitutional cowardice. err…
Chat flycatcher An inability to stop boring people about AI. A new disease with unclear long term consequences. ennuyeusia
Conjunctive Zoonotic Diseases.. innit

* Yea, it shall remain nameless into the depths of time (or ‘till I’m bored of the running gag, which is frankly more likely)

Do you have a suggestion for another zoonotic disease? Share in the comments below.


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