“Can I have something for conjunctivitis please, I’ve caught it from the cat.”
That’s a line I never imagined I’d hear myself speaking, in the pharmacy or anywhere else. But why not? Our world and attitudes have changed because of a virus* that purportedly made the jump from bats.
It got me thinking. The 18th century Plague came through rats. Malaria comes through gnats (kinda). If the New World Order (or Illuminati or other ‘secret’ cabal of your choice) used the suffix ‘at’ to mean ‘can bear infections that transfer to humans’, what might the symptoms be?
Here are my suggestions:
| Source | Symptoms | Zoonosis |
| cat | An ever-increasing inclination to sleep. Untreated results in catalepsy | catalopenia |
| rat | Daily impulses to move faster and faster. Untreated results in skewed view of the world, global warming and many of the problems of the modern world | ratcelaration |
| bat | Degradation of sight. Untreated leads to peculiar behaviour | obscubation |
| bobcat | Muscle impulses causing sudden up-and-down movements. In severe cases hair breaks at shoulder level. | pelomalolia |
| gnat | Reduces the ability to concentrate. | gninnification |
| goat | Irrepressible impulses to annoy as many others as possible. | eegetmigoatzis |
| meerkat | Creation of increasing feeling of insignificance. Untreated results in constant self denigration. | simplezosia |
| muskrat | Production of unappealing and repulsive body odours. Untreated results in loss of friendship group, and eventual ostracism. | moschusia |
| numbat | Slow reduction of feeling in extremities. Untreated results in total loss of sensation. | numbing (innit) |
| polecat | Group symptoms similar to analysis paralysis, but for democracies. | icannae |
| stoat | Compulsion to burn food, especially bread. | stoater |
| wombat | Inability to restrain impulses to hit balls with pieces of wood. | cricketosia |
| woodchat | Hardening of primary sexual characteristics. Untreated results in tongue-twisting terror. | woodchuckia |
| yellowthroat | Jaundice. Untreated results in constitutional cowardice. | err… jaundice obvs |
| Chat flycatcher | An inability to stop boring people about AI. A new disease with unclear long term consequences. | ennuyeusia |
* Yea, it shall remain nameless into the depths of time (or ‘till I’m bored of the running gag, which is frankly more likely)
Do you have a suggestion for another zoonotic disease? Share in the comments below.
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